6/20/15
God has been really good to me this week. He didn't break my heart or overwhelm me with His presence like He has on every other mission trip I've been on. He just let me love Him.
I've had an image in my head all week--I didn't hear it or read it somewhere, although I'm sure other people have come up with it on their own to use in a sermon as an illustration. But, this came straight from The Holy Spirit for me, as God just gave it to me this week to be my 'theme':
I'm going backpacking up a mountain. My guide/leader tells me not to take any special rocks, flowers, sticks, or shells along the way to the summit because everything is way more awesome up there, but I keep stuffing them in my backpack anyway. My backpack gets heavier and heavier until I cannot walk or even stand up due to its weight. I begin to suffocate under the weight of all those pretty rocks that I took. Then, instead of continuing on his journey, my guide turns around and as I'm nearing my final breath, he swaps backpacks with me. I now have a light backpack, full of everything I need and easy to carry, while He struggles to bare the weight of all the rocks he told me not to take. He struggles up the mountain, refusing to leave me alone on the journey. By the time we reach the top, my guide is so exhausted that He stops breathing and dies on the mountain top, crushed under my rocks. While I stand victorious on the mountain top with his backpack.
That's the Gospel right there! The more I think about it the more I love Him; He gave me that little visual very early this week, and it has just brought me so much peace in knowing that no matter how many rocks I pick up in disobedience to Him, He will not leave me alone. No matter what it does to Him, He's always going to be there to carry my burdens and fears. The cross hurt. My sins that He put on Himself must have weighed Him down more than I'll ever know. But He STILL refuses to leave my side! He rose from the grave and defeated death! Praise be to God that He rose from the grave and that I may stand victorious by His side!
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Not Good Enough
6/19/15
I noticed something about myself. Something that I've always known, but never really thought about. I'm an overachiever. Why is that? It's not that I'm seeking the approval of man necessarily,(although I do like it when man approves of me as much as the next guy does.) I seek the approval of God. I worship the idea of hearing the words "well done, my good and faithful servant". I honestly thing that having God tell me at the end of my life that I did a good job is my heart's greatest desire. It's the reason I'm such an overachiever--I'm dying to be 'good enough' for Him.
But 'ya know what? God doesn't care if I wear a perfectly pleated dress to church. He isn't any more proud of me when I write the announcements on the whiteboard in the youth room in perfect penmanship than He is when I just sit and listen to Him. The sound that comes out of my mouth when I sing is not any more impressive to Him than the words my heart sing to Him. He's impressed by complete faith in Him. By me trusting Him that He will remain sovereign even if I am not. ooh. That's a big one! When things are out of control and messy and sloppy and unorganized, I need to trust Him above all else and not let it stress me out. He'd rather me admit to my lack of control than try to 'impress' Him by "handling it on my own" (aka destroying everything).
I just want to hear those words "well done". But maybe He'll say them anyway when He looks at me and sees nothing but the Blood of Jesus on judgment day.
'Ya know what? God is definitely NOT proud of me when He looks at my sin. He was definitely disgusted when He saw my anger, my pride, my hardness of heart. But Jesus gave me God's approval! That thing I thirst for? Jesus literally handed it to me. When God couldn't love that which I had become composed of, Christ came and gave me His body! A new composition! He swapped with me what was lovely, bright, beautiful, full of life, for what was broken, shameful, hideous, and unlovable. He loves me. In the words of Pastor Kerr, "Now that's good news!"
I noticed something about myself. Something that I've always known, but never really thought about. I'm an overachiever. Why is that? It's not that I'm seeking the approval of man necessarily,(although I do like it when man approves of me as much as the next guy does.) I seek the approval of God. I worship the idea of hearing the words "well done, my good and faithful servant". I honestly thing that having God tell me at the end of my life that I did a good job is my heart's greatest desire. It's the reason I'm such an overachiever--I'm dying to be 'good enough' for Him.
But 'ya know what? God doesn't care if I wear a perfectly pleated dress to church. He isn't any more proud of me when I write the announcements on the whiteboard in the youth room in perfect penmanship than He is when I just sit and listen to Him. The sound that comes out of my mouth when I sing is not any more impressive to Him than the words my heart sing to Him. He's impressed by complete faith in Him. By me trusting Him that He will remain sovereign even if I am not. ooh. That's a big one! When things are out of control and messy and sloppy and unorganized, I need to trust Him above all else and not let it stress me out. He'd rather me admit to my lack of control than try to 'impress' Him by "handling it on my own" (aka destroying everything).
I just want to hear those words "well done". But maybe He'll say them anyway when He looks at me and sees nothing but the Blood of Jesus on judgment day.
'Ya know what? God is definitely NOT proud of me when He looks at my sin. He was definitely disgusted when He saw my anger, my pride, my hardness of heart. But Jesus gave me God's approval! That thing I thirst for? Jesus literally handed it to me. When God couldn't love that which I had become composed of, Christ came and gave me His body! A new composition! He swapped with me what was lovely, bright, beautiful, full of life, for what was broken, shameful, hideous, and unlovable. He loves me. In the words of Pastor Kerr, "Now that's good news!"
Slight reflection
6/19/15
I'm currently at the Pelican Beach Resort on a private island 45 miles off the coast of Belize. It's pretty darn nice! With the exception of having an outdoor shower that crabs like to join me in, and having to use a 'composting toilet' that cannot be flushed (basically a human litter box), it's the nicest place I've ever been.
I'm ready to come home. As nice as this island is, I don't enjoy it quite as much as the others do because quite frankly I'm still getting the hang of this Ardmore thing; this isn't my youth group. I absolutely adore the ABC Youth, don't get me wrong. But it's just not home.
ABC Youth does a lot of really cool stuff that I can't see my youth group ever doing (no offense, haha). But I think the fun gets out of hand for me personally, in that I stop feeling like I'm on a mission trip. I know how important it is to do the relaxing and fun stuff- not everyone has been to Africa twice and plans to travel a lot; this may be the only time some of these kids are ever going to be out of the US! So don't get me wrong- the extra-curricular activities are totally fine with me. It's just (like I said) not what I'm used to.
This mission trip has been distinctively different from my others; I'm used to evangelistic mission trips where we go from one hut to another sharing the name of Jesus with those who have never heard, whereas here in Belize, almost everyone I have come into contact with already has a relationship with Him, or at least has already heard the story (which is really all that I can do). I think that this trip has shown me a number of things, a few of which I feel are a bit too personal to share with the open internet, but one of them being that I prefer evangelism to alleviating a need. Although I do enjoy doing both.
I've also noticed that (although Ardmore might have more 'fun' stuff to do) I prefer the calmness that results from being a part of the family of my own church and youth group. I don't know if that will make any sense to someone other than me who reads it, but hey, it's my journal anyway. I shouldn't have to explain myself too much, haha.
Events:
-Finishing out the week with the eyeglass clinic
-Goofing off and having a great time with Pastor Job and his church family. (might I add, their church was the most welcoming and loving church I've ever been to! It was a true display of the global unity that may be found through Christ!)
-Long drive to Pelican beach
-Boat ride to the island (and let me tell you, it was bumpy and I got soaked.)
-Rest and relaxation! (well worth the travel!)
I'm currently at the Pelican Beach Resort on a private island 45 miles off the coast of Belize. It's pretty darn nice! With the exception of having an outdoor shower that crabs like to join me in, and having to use a 'composting toilet' that cannot be flushed (basically a human litter box), it's the nicest place I've ever been.
I'm ready to come home. As nice as this island is, I don't enjoy it quite as much as the others do because quite frankly I'm still getting the hang of this Ardmore thing; this isn't my youth group. I absolutely adore the ABC Youth, don't get me wrong. But it's just not home.
ABC Youth does a lot of really cool stuff that I can't see my youth group ever doing (no offense, haha). But I think the fun gets out of hand for me personally, in that I stop feeling like I'm on a mission trip. I know how important it is to do the relaxing and fun stuff- not everyone has been to Africa twice and plans to travel a lot; this may be the only time some of these kids are ever going to be out of the US! So don't get me wrong- the extra-curricular activities are totally fine with me. It's just (like I said) not what I'm used to.
This mission trip has been distinctively different from my others; I'm used to evangelistic mission trips where we go from one hut to another sharing the name of Jesus with those who have never heard, whereas here in Belize, almost everyone I have come into contact with already has a relationship with Him, or at least has already heard the story (which is really all that I can do). I think that this trip has shown me a number of things, a few of which I feel are a bit too personal to share with the open internet, but one of them being that I prefer evangelism to alleviating a need. Although I do enjoy doing both.
I've also noticed that (although Ardmore might have more 'fun' stuff to do) I prefer the calmness that results from being a part of the family of my own church and youth group. I don't know if that will make any sense to someone other than me who reads it, but hey, it's my journal anyway. I shouldn't have to explain myself too much, haha.
Events:
-Finishing out the week with the eyeglass clinic
-Goofing off and having a great time with Pastor Job and his church family. (might I add, their church was the most welcoming and loving church I've ever been to! It was a true display of the global unity that may be found through Christ!)
-Long drive to Pelican beach
-Boat ride to the island (and let me tell you, it was bumpy and I got soaked.)
-Rest and relaxation! (well worth the travel!)
Impromptu Worship Service [Warning: it's a long one]
6/18/15
Tonight we worshiped informally. Elle, our (amazing) cook, has a son named José, who could play the guitar and sing very well. He played every single worship song (some even in Spanish) he knew and we sang and worshiped with him. Then we did the same with Caroline and Christen (two of the girls from Ardmore). Then we ran out of guitar music and just sang out our favorite hymns and anthems A Cappella. It was the ideal worship service, and the whole thing just kind of happened. Nobody planned it; we just saw an opportunity and took it. And boy did it pay off!
I tried my best to sing to Jesus rather than to others who could hear me--to make a joyful noise from my heart rather than to make a pretty noise from my mouth. It was hard. But I think I did a decent job. I struggle with that a lot; singing so that others can hear my 'perfect notes' instead of singing so that the words reflect my heart. But tonight (although I did stray a bit) I sang with a joyful heart. I might not have been brought to tears by God's presence, but I sang with gratitude for all that Jesus has done in my life. I don't remember which song, but the lyrics were discussing how Jesus is our one hope. Our ONE hope. That even in the deepest valley, Jesus is still with us and His love will carry us through it, no matter what the cost of such luxury may cost Him. Another spoke of how His death and blood brought righteousness to me; that through His sacrifice I am able to experience joy, hope, peace, and love. That song was Scandal of Grace. "Oh to be like you. Give all I have just to know you. Jesus there's no one beside you. Forever the hope in my heart!" It's a beautiful song!
It's crazy to think about; the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me came at such a heavy cost to Him, and He did it willingly. Carrying my brokenness, my sorrow, my sickness, my shame, and the penalty of my sin on His shoulders alone. He literally picked those off of my back, as I was suffocating underneath the weight of them all, and picked them up Himself to bare the weight and death of the things I created by not choosing Him. My death was caused by not choosing Him, while His death was caused by choosing me. Not because of anything I'll ever do or accomplish; there is no advantage to Him- but He willingly gave His life to be with His beloved (ME!!!) WHAT?! It's the greatest love story to ever be told (or untold in some cases) in all of history! He's so much greater than me! And I'm so awful to Him! And He did THAT for me?! Beauty. Every single detail about Him--pure beauty. He is everything beautiful and lovely.
I'm embarrassed of my devotion to Him. He deserves more than 100%, and I'm not even giving Him that much. I want to, though. I just fall WAY short. I love Him. And He loves me! He CREATED me. Do you know what that means? It means He WANTED me! I want a BLT sandwich, so what do I do? I create one. I didn't just happen with His approval; He made me because He wanted to love me and for me to love Him back.
Tonight we worshiped informally. Elle, our (amazing) cook, has a son named José, who could play the guitar and sing very well. He played every single worship song (some even in Spanish) he knew and we sang and worshiped with him. Then we did the same with Caroline and Christen (two of the girls from Ardmore). Then we ran out of guitar music and just sang out our favorite hymns and anthems A Cappella. It was the ideal worship service, and the whole thing just kind of happened. Nobody planned it; we just saw an opportunity and took it. And boy did it pay off!
I tried my best to sing to Jesus rather than to others who could hear me--to make a joyful noise from my heart rather than to make a pretty noise from my mouth. It was hard. But I think I did a decent job. I struggle with that a lot; singing so that others can hear my 'perfect notes' instead of singing so that the words reflect my heart. But tonight (although I did stray a bit) I sang with a joyful heart. I might not have been brought to tears by God's presence, but I sang with gratitude for all that Jesus has done in my life. I don't remember which song, but the lyrics were discussing how Jesus is our one hope. Our ONE hope. That even in the deepest valley, Jesus is still with us and His love will carry us through it, no matter what the cost of such luxury may cost Him. Another spoke of how His death and blood brought righteousness to me; that through His sacrifice I am able to experience joy, hope, peace, and love. That song was Scandal of Grace. "Oh to be like you. Give all I have just to know you. Jesus there's no one beside you. Forever the hope in my heart!" It's a beautiful song!
It's crazy to think about; the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me came at such a heavy cost to Him, and He did it willingly. Carrying my brokenness, my sorrow, my sickness, my shame, and the penalty of my sin on His shoulders alone. He literally picked those off of my back, as I was suffocating underneath the weight of them all, and picked them up Himself to bare the weight and death of the things I created by not choosing Him. My death was caused by not choosing Him, while His death was caused by choosing me. Not because of anything I'll ever do or accomplish; there is no advantage to Him- but He willingly gave His life to be with His beloved (ME!!!) WHAT?! It's the greatest love story to ever be told (or untold in some cases) in all of history! He's so much greater than me! And I'm so awful to Him! And He did THAT for me?! Beauty. Every single detail about Him--pure beauty. He is everything beautiful and lovely.
I'm embarrassed of my devotion to Him. He deserves more than 100%, and I'm not even giving Him that much. I want to, though. I just fall WAY short. I love Him. And He loves me! He CREATED me. Do you know what that means? It means He WANTED me! I want a BLT sandwich, so what do I do? I create one. I didn't just happen with His approval; He made me because He wanted to love me and for me to love Him back.
Mennonites Make Great Cinnamon Rolls.
6/18/15
I worked in the Pharmacy today, which was a very low-stress job (I counted pills into groups of either 30, 50, or 60, about two hundred times). Unfortunately we forgot our lunch, so we had to eat at a Mennonite bakery, and then get ice cream instead of our beloved PB&J sandwiches... it was tragic. (Extreme sarcasm in case you didn't pick up on it... That was the best darn cinnamon roll I've ever had. And the same goes for that ice cream!) I honestly think I've gained 8lbs in the past 5 days! Never in my life have I consumed that much sugar in one 24hr period!
Events:
-Working the pharmacy
-Gaining 80lbs
-Extreme sugar rush followed by an even more extreme crash
-Worship (See Impromptu Worship Service for more details)
I worked in the Pharmacy today, which was a very low-stress job (I counted pills into groups of either 30, 50, or 60, about two hundred times). Unfortunately we forgot our lunch, so we had to eat at a Mennonite bakery, and then get ice cream instead of our beloved PB&J sandwiches... it was tragic. (Extreme sarcasm in case you didn't pick up on it... That was the best darn cinnamon roll I've ever had. And the same goes for that ice cream!) I honestly think I've gained 8lbs in the past 5 days! Never in my life have I consumed that much sugar in one 24hr period!
Events:
-Working the pharmacy
-Gaining 80lbs
-Extreme sugar rush followed by an even more extreme crash
-Worship (See Impromptu Worship Service for more details)
Chaos in the Clinic.
6/17/15
I don't really know what to write for today. It was total chaos at the clinic; no space and no matter where I was, I was in someone's way. I was taking blood pressure and checking people in, but there were 4 other people doing the same thing. I met a woman who was experiencing the symptoms of old age, but I don't think she realized that it was just her age. She was concerned about spots on her skin, loss of hearing, and pain in her joints. Such a sweet woman, though. She had a grandchild with her who was 5 years old, but at the age of 2 her lungs had collapsed and she had to have major surgery. I led her to the eyeglass station to get her eyes checked, and Ellen (the woman in charge) asked me to test her and find her glasses. I had the privilege of giving her eye exam and following her through till the end. Her name was Maria. I bonded pretty well with her... I think.
We visited the Mayan ruins today, too. It was 100x more beautiful in person than on any documentary, video, or photograph. The very top gave the most remarkable view of both Guatemala and Belize.
Events:
-Working intake at the clinics (checking people in and filling out a patient info sheet for the Dr.)
-Mayan ruins
I don't really know what to write for today. It was total chaos at the clinic; no space and no matter where I was, I was in someone's way. I was taking blood pressure and checking people in, but there were 4 other people doing the same thing. I met a woman who was experiencing the symptoms of old age, but I don't think she realized that it was just her age. She was concerned about spots on her skin, loss of hearing, and pain in her joints. Such a sweet woman, though. She had a grandchild with her who was 5 years old, but at the age of 2 her lungs had collapsed and she had to have major surgery. I led her to the eyeglass station to get her eyes checked, and Ellen (the woman in charge) asked me to test her and find her glasses. I had the privilege of giving her eye exam and following her through till the end. Her name was Maria. I bonded pretty well with her... I think.
We visited the Mayan ruins today, too. It was 100x more beautiful in person than on any documentary, video, or photograph. The very top gave the most remarkable view of both Guatemala and Belize.
Events:
-Working intake at the clinics (checking people in and filling out a patient info sheet for the Dr.)
-Mayan ruins
Mi decimoséptimo cumpleaños
6/16/15
Today was interesting... Tiring to the max, but really fun! I got to use my year-old Spanish II skills at the clinic; I'd forgotten how much I love speaking the language! I'm sure my grammar was absolutely terrible, with my vocabulary and grammar-game being so rusty, but I loved it. "Usa el mano y con tres dedos hacer el dirección de la letra E". If someone fluent in Spanish ever reads this journal entry when/if I post it on the Temporary Missionary blog, don't hate on my Spanish. I did the best I could with what vocabulary I could remember. It was great, and I got a lot of jajaja's from the Spanish-speaking population at that church today as I tried to speak their language.
I met a girl after I had been struggling with a Spanish-only patient. Her name was Jacky, and what a blessing she was! She was bilingual and translated for me! Our 'challenge' today was to show God's love to one specific person, and I decided to try that with her. We never got to talk about anything spiritual, but it was really nice being able to make a friend so quickly.
It's my 17th birthday today. It doesn't feel like it though. I honestly had forgotten about it until someone in our group told a member of the church we were working at! I guess it just hasn't dawned on me yet. But the youth have been so so kind and inviting to me; the threw me a mini-dinner party and made me a card that most of the group signed... It was really funny, because those who signed wrote a little message with it, and a chaperone wrote "Happy Birthday, Amanda!" in it! We all had a good laugh about poor Elizabeth's mistake, haha. Today was a day full of lots of laughter. I've had a really good birthday, and I feel about 90% part of the ABC youth group.
Events:
-Working eyeglasses in the clinics... en Español.
-Pineapple cake for my birthday!
Today was interesting... Tiring to the max, but really fun! I got to use my year-old Spanish II skills at the clinic; I'd forgotten how much I love speaking the language! I'm sure my grammar was absolutely terrible, with my vocabulary and grammar-game being so rusty, but I loved it. "Usa el mano y con tres dedos hacer el dirección de la letra E". If someone fluent in Spanish ever reads this journal entry when/if I post it on the Temporary Missionary blog, don't hate on my Spanish. I did the best I could with what vocabulary I could remember. It was great, and I got a lot of jajaja's from the Spanish-speaking population at that church today as I tried to speak their language.
I met a girl after I had been struggling with a Spanish-only patient. Her name was Jacky, and what a blessing she was! She was bilingual and translated for me! Our 'challenge' today was to show God's love to one specific person, and I decided to try that with her. We never got to talk about anything spiritual, but it was really nice being able to make a friend so quickly.
It's my 17th birthday today. It doesn't feel like it though. I honestly had forgotten about it until someone in our group told a member of the church we were working at! I guess it just hasn't dawned on me yet. But the youth have been so so kind and inviting to me; the threw me a mini-dinner party and made me a card that most of the group signed... It was really funny, because those who signed wrote a little message with it, and a chaperone wrote "Happy Birthday, Amanda!" in it! We all had a good laugh about poor Elizabeth's mistake, haha. Today was a day full of lots of laughter. I've had a really good birthday, and I feel about 90% part of the ABC youth group.
Events:
-Working eyeglasses in the clinics... en Español.
-Pineapple cake for my birthday!
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